


Turning Friends Into Enemies

by cyanoscarlet



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-13
Updated: 2007-05-13
Packaged: 2017-11-11 00:18:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/472337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyanoscarlet/pseuds/cyanoscarlet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A cunning - or so he would like us to believe - fellow gets an idea. Crack ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Turning Friends Into Enemies

**Author's Note:**

> Kuchiki Jeanne's first fanfiction, posted on May 13, 2007.
> 
> ... which explains why the writing style screams "CRACK".

_"How do you turn friends into enemies?"_

... No, not your friend, of course. Who wants to lose a friend? I don't.

What I'm talking about here is to turn two people that are best friends- both of whom have pissed you off a lot of times- into enemies. Don't you think it's fun? And that will make you feel a lot better, too. Oh yes, it's possible. As long as you have a voice-changing tie with you, it's totally possible. Trust me. It happened once.

Okay, so there's this mysterious little fella-

_**Oh wait. To my beloved cousin who also has an account on FFNet, Miyano Ran: If you're reading this right now, STOP. It'll make you hate me, even though I only typed this one out just for fun. You know that.** _

So, back to the story. This mysterious little fella brought out a red bow tie and turned the little switches until he was satisfied. Then he picked up the phone and dialed a certain number.

On the other hand, a certain orange-head, also known as the all-famous shinigami representative Kurosaki Ichigo, answered his cellphone. "Hello, who's this?"

"It's me," the boy replied promptly.

"You! Renji, why are you calling now? Is there a hollow or what?" Ichigo asked, alarmed.

The little fella answered as he browsed the name of the person he was calling. Then he answered, "No, nothing really, um... Ichigo. Just wanna tell you that you're a big idiot who doesn't even know how to control his own stupid powers!" and slammed the phone.

A vein- no, make that two, popped on Ichigo's temple as he snapped his cellphone shut. I think that you can already guess what he was thinking at that time.

_'Damn that Renji! I'll make sure to beat the crp out of him when I see him again! Who the hell does he think he is, anyway?!'_

**(sweatdrops)**

Okay, so part A: successful. Now on to part B.

The little wise guy grinned to himself triumphantly, then set the controls on his tie to another voice pattern. Then he dialed another number on his phone.

**(RING! RING!)**

It continued to ring for a while, then he heard:

"Hello, Abarai Renji here. I'm not in now, just leave a message or I'll beat you up!"

Oh, so that didn't go well. Might as well leave a voice message:

"Oi Renji, this is Ichigo. I just want to say that you have weird tattoo eyebrows, and that you're not worthy to become lieutenant of the 6th division. What made Byakuya choose you anyway? Did he find you attractive or what? Just tell me if he proposes to you, okay?" Then he put the phone down.

Owwie, that would surely piss Ren-kun off. So, what would be his reaction?

**(Drumrolls...)**

When Renji came back, he switched on his phone to see if he had any voice messages. All right, there were three.

_"Voice Message 1- Renji, this is Rukia. Can we meet tomorrow at Urahara's shop? I have to tell you something. Bye!"_

Wee Could it be a love confession? No, I won't answer that.

_"Voice Message 2- Hi, Abarai-san! Just checking if you're in right now... Oh, it seems that you're not. 'kay, I'll hang up now. Bye!"_

Wait, was that Urahara? I think that was his voice just now.

And now... the third one...

_"Voice message 3- Oi Renji, this is Ichigo. I just want to say that you have weird tattoo eyebrows, and that you're not worthy to become lieutenant of the 6th division. What made Byakuya choose you anyway? Did he find you attractive or what? Just tell me if he proposes to you, okay?"_

**(CLICK!)**

The phone message continued,  _"All voice messages were opened. Press 1 to listen to them again, press 2 to save the message, and press 3 to delete-"_

Renji angrily pressed number three, and deleted all his voice mails- even the one from his beloved Rukia. He stormed out of his apartment, his fist clenched tightly. And only one thought was running in his mind:

_'I'll kill that shinigami representative! I'll make him into dead meat!'_

\--

The next morning, Ichigo and Renji happened to meet in front of Icha park while strolling around.

No, strolling isn't the right word for that. They were hunting each other, ready to kill.

So when they met...

"Oi Ichigo! What's up with that blasted voice mail you sent me? You want me to kill you on the spot or what?!"

"And what's with you calling me a big idiot on my phone yesterday, eh?!  _You're_  the idiot!"

"Says who?! You wanna fight?"

"Bring it on,  _lieutenant_."

 **(sweatdrops)**  ... Uh.. watch the language, you two. You are such hotheads, ne, just like your hair color.  **grins**

Well then... Oh no, a shouting match. Mr. Little Fella saw it using his binoculars, then he decided to call the police.

"Ah, Mr. Police! Help! There's a brawl at Icha park!"

And for some added fun:

"Hello, is this NHK channel? I just want to report a big fight at Icha park. It's such a gang war out there!"

Sure enough, a few minutes later, the siren of patrol cars and the whirring of helicopters could be heard at the fight scene. The NHK news crew were covering the whole IchiRenji fight- live on camera, with a big-time reporter to boot! Whooo!!

And the scene...

Both Ichigo and Renji were beating up each other to death. Both had lots of bruises and black-eyes already, but neither gave up. They were determined to kill their opponent- no, make that doubly, I mean, triply determined.

Well, at least, they didn't fight in shinigami form, or else... ( **shudders)**

\--

Nyahahahahaha! Success!

See, it was easy, wasn't it? Now you know how to make two enemies beat up each other- without getting yourself in trouble! It's really effective, believe me.

Now forget Ichigo and Renji- they won't die that easily. Just tell me who Mr. Little Fella is.

My cousin Miyano Ran knows who he is. Why, who else can have a voice-changing tie?! It's -- --. (You fill in the blanks.)

**(A/N: This fic idea isn't exactly mine, but was inspired by an e-mail message I got from a friend. I loved the story, and adopted it into a Bleach fic. And I also don't own Bleach- and that other anime, which I leave for you to guess. So there's your disclaimer again- I already said it twice!!)**

Hope you enjoyed this!


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